Big fat negative

Where was I? Oh yes: sat in park having lunch with colleagues. See lone magpie. Salute it, say good morning to it, nod three times (etc etc). Then feel my period hit. Go to loo. Blood. Dammit.

Phone clinic who tell me it's not necessarily bad news and to go home + put my feet up. Deep down I know my period is here to stay, but I opt to go with their opinion that it may be ok, and I go home to put the feel up as instructed. The feet stay up for two days, but the period keeps on coming. I go to the clinic two days later for the pregnancy test, knowing by now it's a negative, but somehow there's an optimistic bit of me that's saying - don't worry, it might be ok, you might get a nice surprise. But I don't. It's negative. I find this out in a phone call a couple of hours after test. The nurses deliver this news god knows how many times each day and they are used to being sensitive to the recipient. However they do still say bland things like "You gotta be in it, to win it".

... I have no response to that other than a feable nod.

I take a few days to crumble upon failure of IVF number one. I was so optimistic. I was so sure I'd be lucky and get it right first time. I'm slightly numb at the news that my body has failed me. Then almost immediately I shift into looking forward, planning the next round, letting go of the disappointment in favour of forward movement. Well, hardly anyone gets pregnant first time do they, it's usually 2nd or 3rd time because the clinic knows how you respond to the treatment better. I presume they will alter my hormone doses next time as I responded so quickly to the stimulation. I can't wait to book the follow up appointment in order to make my plan with the doctor. I am now officially on a mission. And I say 'I' on purpose. What about Sue? He is pretty much just caught up in my back draught from here on in. Despite being told "Don't put your life on hold, Don't become obsessed, Pay attention to your partner, There is life beyond having babies" and other helpful advice, I do of course put OUR life on hold no matter what husband wants, I do become obsessed despite thinking I am not and as far as I am concerned if I don't become a mother, I am nothing.

At this point there is a two month hiatus while I have the period, have another period, excercise, "get myself back" and vaguely focus on work. I am still firmly fixed on the next cycle of IVF, which will be much easier as we have some frozen embryos. Oh yeah, here's the summary of IVF number one: 25 eggs collected under anaesthetic. 10 embryos fertilised. 2 discarded within a day. 2 put back at embryo transfer and 6 frozen.

[PAUSE]...