Sunday, August 12, 2007

My ticking clock

The waiting in between IVF cycles is quite something. Although you are not actually doing IVF at this time, you are thinking about it, planning the next one, so you're not clear of it for the intervening months that's for sure. You pretend to yourself that you're resting, but you're not. For me at this stage, every day that passed was a day closer to becoming pregnant, and another day lost to not being pregnant. But it's a good way to distract yourself from the crushing feelings of the previous failure, so it's useful in one sense....

The waiting during IVF is quite something too. The daily anticipation of needles determined by the almost daily blood tests to check hormone levels. Waiting for the phone call to let you know whether to up or lower the dose, or coast. Waiting to get more injections out the way so you can put a big inky cross through another day on your IVF schedule. Waiting to hear how many eggs they got, waiting to hear how many embryos they got, waiting to hear how many of those are actually viable and waiting for the confirmation that embryo transfer can go ahead. And then the mother of all waits, the two week wait. Aaaaaarrrrggghhh!

The first of those two weeks is strangely pleasant. The culmination of all that hard work is there, in your belly, you know they're there cos they show them to you going in. And for one sweet week you can pretend to yourself that you're carrying babies. It's quite a delightful feeling to those of us that need help with it and have never experienced pregnancy officially. I spent the first week on my first cycle slightly floating, never feeling quite alone. And feeling instantly protective of my belly. It was a lovely feeling, brief though it was.

The second week is hellish. You start anticipating the period. You are constantly evaluating how you're feeling – are my boobs swollen, do they hurt, do I feel crampy etc etc. But you forget that the progesterone makes you feel like that anyway so it's probably all pointless analysis. Nearly every minute that passed I was thinking I could feel my period coming on.

Then it did and my wait was over.

But anyway, onward march to IVF number two which as previously mentioned was to be far easier as it was a frozen embryo cycle. Almost not IVF at all really, hardly worth worrying about...

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