Icecapades

With the minimum amount of time between cycles, we moved swiftly onto preparing for a frozen embryo transfer cycle. This is a much much simpler procedure than IVF – no needles, fewer visits, and only a few hormones taken orally. I think it was relatively simple for me because my cycle is very regular. You can even do FET with no intervention whatsoever if you want to go natural and your cycle is regular. Anyway, compared to growing 20+ eggs and having them painfully removed (did I mention I was shuffling for the best part of a week after that first egg collection?), FET is a walk in the park. Practically nothing.

Physically speaking that is. Emotionally it's the same old journey of optimism, fear, anxiety and patience. The two week wait is as the first, initially happy descending into your own personal hellish waiting room a la Huit Clos.

As with IVF number one, I started bleeding a day or so before the pregnancy test was due. My spirits fell, although I had tried really hard not to raise our expectations at all. I felt defeated again. Why couldn't I just be one of the lucky ones. Why were my dam periods so irrepressible. It made mockery of all the times in my 20s + early 30s that I worried about being pregnant. I took it easy, again. I went to the clinic for the blood test I knew would be negative, again. I sat there pretending to be light hearted while they took the most important blood test of my life, again. I probably even listened to the chirpy 'you gotta be in it to win it", again. And I went off home to put my feet up, again. At lunchtime, I put in the progesterone suppositories and thought, what's the point, I'm about to get the confirmation that it's negative, what a waste.

And the call came. And she said – it's positive. Very positive. You are most definitely pregnant.

What? Sorry? I'm pregnant? Are you serious? What's my score?

My score was very high, indicating twin pregnancy. Jesus, thank god I was lying down. I called Sue to tell him. I barely got the words out and he said I'm coming home. He came home. Cried. Had a cup of tea. And went back to work. I'm still lying down cos I'm still bleeding.

To jump forward three weeks: the pregnancy didn't take. However I spent three weeks feeling quite blissful. Shoving suppositories up my bum regularly and lying down didn't bother me. I felt special, I felt content. It was Christmas, what a great Christmas present. But deep deep down I think I knew the pregnancy wasn't developing. You're tricked by the effects of the progesterone, but deep down I knew. It's amazing how much you know your own body even during a process where you're in the hands of people who supposedly know more than you.

Sure enough, come the 7 week scan – nothing there.

How low can you go? Oh, much much lower.